Thar She Blows!

Big Pappy and my mother are leaving on Friday for the land of geriatrics and termites, otherwise known as Florida. They'll be gone a few weeks. Big Pappy has to get away from the stress of the business which mainly involves sitting on his ass and watching his portfolio from his laptop.

After work he cloisters himself away watching Kramer on CNBC or some souless pointless action movie he rented, all the while enjoying a few hard earned cocktails.

The turtle only emerges from his cozy shell to eat the dinner that was prepared by my mother. If it's something especially tasty, unusual and gourmet, he makes it a point to pick at it like a little bird and say, "You know I'm just not into that crap."

Later on he'll come out of the cave once more to make himself an ice cream cone or popcorn. Poor little guy. Why am I feeling especially venemous towards my father? This morning I came into work and he was there. After a few instructions regarding his vacation, he says,

"You can just take some time off. You and Snowflake can go and visit Yasha(his asshole dog). Snowflake just can't be down here."

Co-worker looks on like a stupid fat cow caught in the glare of the headlights. Snidley glancing sideways at Big Pappy I feel like I am sometimes just the butt of their conversations. I really know I'm not but I hate being made to feel like my presence is just not necessary. I know this is directly related to my self esteem and my new fear of intimacy.

I mean if you feel like your own father doesn't like you, who on earth can?

It's very upsetting to me because I do love both of my parents dearly. I spend many evenings at their house. I cannot say that I am close to my dad, but I know deep in his heart he loves me and it's obvious he adores the bambino.

I can't understand why I can't just take it, enjoy the time with Snowflake and just forget about it. I tend to over-analyze everything. It's a bad trait.

"How much have I taken out of Steve's checks?" he asks me.

"I have no idea, I'm not thinking about that right now," I say.

"What are you thinking about?" he says sarcastically.

"How you make me feel like shit." I say, not even glancing his way.

Silence.

I can see CoWorker half grinning. I look at my dad and I know that my comment has hurt him, but in the end he just doesn't get it and probably never will.

"See you after lunch, Heid" he jokes to me, smiling on his way out of the door. He doesn't hold a grudge and moves on like a hummingbird.

Why can't I?


UPDATE: After a little breathing room at lunchtime, I came back refreshed and decided it is best to seize the moment, let it roll off my back and forget it. It just takes too much energy to be upset. They were leaving to look at a house and Pappy says,

"Can you hold down the fort?"

"I don't know but I'll sure try" I joke.

It just feels so much better to be happy and smile. I feel good but it still doesn't make me any less afraid of men and relationships with them. Thanks, Dad.